Monthly Archives: February 2015

Many Spammy Returns

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I moved six months ago, but my previous internet provider, Ever-Growing Monopoly of Suck®, still continues to faithfully deliver all the spam that comes to my old account. So if you don’t mind, let me just get some of my responses to my spam out of the way right here.

From: NBC SPORTS
Subject: NASCAR is coming to NBC and NBCSN.
Thanks. You’ve made a serious mistake. The thought that even one electron had to move in order to bring me this incredibly useless information is a tragedy in my view.

From: SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR
Subject: Webmail Quta Exceeded.
Dear User, due to the recent upgrade of our database. You are required to update your webmail details.
Thanks! I’ll get right on that!

From: James Williams
Subject: I tried to reach you several times, please reply
I write, asking for your indulgence in re-profiling to tune of Fourteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$14.5m) which we want kept safely overseas under your supervision.
James, Mr. Raymond Wilson of the Emirates Finance Security Company has made me a much, much sweeter deal. He has already paid for the delivery charges and the insurance fee. You’re going to have to up your game if you want me to be your overseas money mule.

From: Smith Wilson
Subject: Information
How are you today and your family it has been a long time you may not remember me again I contacted you last time for you to assist me regarding an inheritance fund which I told you that it is not a scam and I promised you that you should not worry that when I receive the fund I will compensate you, finally I have receive the fund I am now doing multi million investment in caman island I have instructed my secretary to issue ATM what of $700,000 dollars for compensation for your assistance in the past, so the ATM card now is ready for you to receive it is with my secretary contact him now on this information below.
Smith, my apologies. When I first read your note, I missed the part where you explained that it is not a scam. Silly of me and I hope you can see your way to forgive me and still issue my $700,000 dollars of compensation.

From: Kenneth Lou Clark
Subject: Hi How are you? Breaking news from Oprah:
Kenneth, Kenneth, Kenneth. You’re not even trying.

From: Branden Otto
Subject: Want new girls every day? OOOOHHHH YEEE!!!
There is no need to threaten me.

From: Addiction Detox Centers
Reply-To: offers@realestatenow.com
Subject: Check in to drug rehab and get clean.
I’m confused. Is this one of those places where you go into rehab but you can’t get out until you’ve bought a time-share?

From: MopinaJohnson@UnitedNation.Org
Subject: Schedule Delivery Your Family Inheritance
I am  Diplomat Mopina Johnson  from   Hong Kong I am  now in  Bellingham International Airport Washington.This is to inform you that I have been advised to deliver your consignment to you as the content was declared as diputed but now resolved Acesstral Family valuables. Valued  five million five hundred United State dollars only. And you are urgently advised to send me your Address, Contact Phone Numbers Next of Kin and Personal Identification  for delivery of your consignment to you. Get back to me immediately you receive my email.
You know, asking about my “next of kin” almost seems like a red flag. You’re not going to murder me, are you?

Random Thoughts

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  • Yes, it’s been a while. Hoxsie is still going strong, but there are only so many hours in the day, and at least one of those hours is spent binge-watching “Gilmore girls,” which somehow I missed completely when it was on the air. Currently kicking myself over that, but the good news is that now I get to experience its brilliance for the first time.
  • “The Basic Eight,” Daniel Handler. Again, how did I miss this? I always love his books, but wow . . . this is an inventive novel. Just so different, interesting, intense, real, and well-written. He always creates worlds I want to live in, and books I wish wouldn’t end.
  • An old picture of what was likely a roasted chestnut vendor on South Pearl Street in Albany led to thoughts of the old days when that beaver-mad town, founded on the wealth of pelts, was chock full of vendors of beaver-on-a-stick, beaver jerky, castor canadensis oil . . . And then I realized there was just no way to make that thought funny or interesting, but I still couldn’t get the idea of streetcart beaver-meat vendors out of my head.
  • I once had the brilliant idea that music could be saved if we enforced a three-album-and-an-EP rule. Once a band was signed, that’s what they got to do: three albums and an EP. After that, they’d have to break up. Why? Let’s face it, most bands barely have three albums of good material in them. Having a set limit would forced them to weed out the crap and put their best foot forward, and they’d focus on creativity if they knew they were only going to have a limited oeuvre. I never worked out how to deal with really good bands that had way more good songs than that — The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Squeeze, Elvis Costello — so there were still some kinks to iron out in my new world order, which would result, somewhat ironically, in less New Order.
  • There is a reason I don’t often sharpen my box saw (and that’s not a euphemism). The teeth are tiny, the angles precise, and the work quite boring.
  • Work on a dining room table is proceeding apace. Much old pine, recovered from a rehab at 9 First Street in Troy, is being planed. There’s simply no other way to come by 3″ thick old growth, tight-grained pine. You know what doesn’t like to come out of Civil-War-era pine? Civil-War-era nails, that’s what. I like to assume they came from Henry Burden’s nail factory, and that whoever made them may have been buried in the Nail Factory Cemetery, because that’s how my mind works.
  • I’m re-reading “The Great Shark Hunt” for the first time in many years. If I had stayed in journalism, I could only have been constantly disappointed that I wasn’t the next Hunter S. Thompson — unless of course I had become the next one, in which case I’d probably have been disappointed in myself.
  • Bonded with younger daughter over our love of “Quadrophenia.” I can’t understand how people can even listen to “Tommy” when this incredible dark, beautiful  masterpiece exists. The Who really stand out because each member was simply incredible, innovative, and unique, and that album is just phenomenal. There was a time when the story maybe meant a little too much to me, but I remember overnight bus rides to Schenectady with a tape of Quadrophenia blasting into my ears (on what was called a “Walkman,” kids) as the sun came up over the Thruway, and that album resonated deeply with me.
  • THIS: 23-member Mucca Pazza, playing an insane Tiny Desk Concert. If you don’t enjoy this, you’re dead inside: