The fine print

Articles, posts and comments on this site are strictly the
views of their authors, perhaps not even them, and do not necessarily reflect the views of this
website, its publisher, its designer, or the company that supplied the
electrons.

Communications from this website may be confidential, and
are for the intended recipient(s) only. Should you receive a communication in
error, you are obliged to immediately erase all electronic copies, and to drink
sufficient quantities of any beverage that will cloud your memory such that no
more than 20% of the original message can be repeated verbatim, and such that relating
the gist of the message to a reasonable stranger results only in a) a confused
shrug, b) an awkward examination of the time on his or her watch, or c) feigned
lack of familiarity with English.

Health care privacy laws prevent us from hearing about, or
caring about, any ailments, maladies, syndromes, and acute or dire medical
emergencies, and as such we ask that you refrain from discussing them with us
in any form, whether  oral, written or
implied. Undeniable visual evidence of any medical condition, including
substantial bleeding, flaky patches, or what looks like a third eye, must be
accompanied by a form, signed and notarized, relieving us of any
responsibility.

The privacy of your financial information is important to
us. For that reason, you will never speak to the same representative of our institution
twice, and for your security we require that you start the story from the
beginning each time you contact us. By sharing your financial information with
as many of our representatives (or our affiliates’ representatives) as
possible, we ensure that privacy is never a concern.

In order to provide you with the best in customer service,
we ask that you enter your account number, password, PIN, mother’s sexual
preferences, thumbprint and a small sample of umbilical cord blood. That way,
when each and every one of our series of representatives asks you precisely the
same questions, you can be sure that your answers are well-rehearsed, making
the system more efficient for everyone.

By reading, scanning, glimpsing or being exposed to this
notice, you know, should know, or should have known its contents, meaning, and
ramifications, and agree to all statements, opinions, exhortations,
blasphemies, and sonnets that may be contained herein. Failure to do so
represents a breach of contract, the peace, and the walls of Agincourt, and you
are under fair notice that such breaches will not be tolerated, nor will they
be not tolerated. Choose wisely.