The Revolt O’ The Appliances

Every Christmas, it seems, with frightening regularity, we suffer massive, multiple appliance failure. We may as well stop buying presents and just accept that our money will need to be spent replacing the devices that keep our lives going. I don’t know why it happens around Christmas — my theories involving Jesus Robots calling the appliances to join them are probably, I think, far-fetched, though the possibility of the Remote Control Destruct Chip isn’t. And I’m not talking about minor appliances like coffeemakers, of which we have none (I’m a grind-and-press guy). In past years it has involved the washer, the dryer, the microwave, the refrigerator, the VCR. Etcetera.

This year, it was the dishwasher, which is just about three years old and leaks like the one it replaced never did. (Based on my experiences with the fridge, dishwasher and stove that we bought then, I won’t be buying a certain company’s appliances again.) If I clean the seals to the molecular level, it works fine, but the only tool for cleaning the seals is the human index finger — nothing else really gets in there and does the job (we have hard water, which leaves some nasty mineral deposits). And, most disastrously, my two-year-old Harman Kardon CD changer, bought for their famous quality in sound and workmanship, completely bit the dust. It started making a most alarming grinding noise, which it has made 3 or 4 times before, but this time it wasn’t stopping. Took it all apart to see what was what, and found that the gears on the CD reader are of the cheapest plastic, and have worn away after two years of the lightest use I have ever put on any CD player. I had my first Denon for 9 years; the player that followed that lasted about 7. So now I’m thrown into the world of figuring out what CD player I want — and just try to find a mid-range CD player these days. The consumer market is all about the DVD, which is cute and everything, but neither of my DVD players has had the sound quality of a CD player. I was never an insane high-end audiophile, but I can certainly tell the difference between crappy DVD sound and a modest quality CD player. Plus, DVD players are SLOW, SLOW, SLOW. (Not slower than the Harman Kardon, mind you, which changed discs at a glacial pace and recognized just about every other one — I should have sent it back when I got it.). As someone with less interest in a home theater than I’d have in a home bowling alley or home landing strip, I’m finding this all a little daunting.

So, for now, my great new Christmas CDs are being played on my computer and broadcast through the cordless phone’s interference to the stereo in something approaching FM quality, the excruciating mediocrity of which really shines through on my beautiful Acoustimass speakers.

Enough! But if you find that those Jesus Robots have anything to do with this, let me know . . . .